This is hard

This is hard. We have been through seven other deployments but this is still hard. My children are feeling it. Even the little girl I keep is feeling it. One day this week out of the blue she said “I miss my daddy, I miss your daddy, and I miss my daddy”. She spoke in a mean voice that is not normal. It brought me to tears. Her dad is a soldier.
Jason asks each morning if daddy is home. Rob has been gone a month and is only home shortly before leaving again. So every morning he ask if Dad is gone or at work? He needs to know what to expect.
The last several nights Grace has climbed into my bed at night and not slept soundly. This morning Grace woke up after Rob left for PT and said “where is daddy”. As soon as I said he went to work and would be home later she fell soundly asleep. It was as if she as soon as she knew today is not the day she could sleep again.
This is hard. I want to take away their pain. I want them to understand it. So often people will say to me that it must be hard to deal with six kids while he is away. I always smile and make some nice comment. Honestly, the kids are what keep me going. They are amazing. The smiles, the questions, the hugs, that is what keeps me going.
But in my brain I think I wish someone noticed the kids. I wish there was a way of someone to read their mind. How they feel when there is an event and dad is not there. This summer our boat will set untouched. No long trips to the lake. Noone, to fix toys as they break. No one to complain to about mom not letting them do something. Instead they will have skype phone calls and lots of mail being sent. A countdown of days. They will have fear of rather their dad will come home. They will have boyscout camp outs without dad, movie nights without dad, lonely Saturday mornings without dad to wrestle with. They will look at his truck and remind me that in dad’s truck they can act silly and make weird noises with their body.
For today I will choose to enjoy the day. I will not think about the days to come but will think of the years to come. About the camp outs next year. About the fishing trips next year. I will think about our reunion, the wonderful hugs that come that first day. I will focus on making sure that we have welcome home signs. I will focus on summer plans that the kids and I can do without dad. I will focus on care packages. I will focus on extra hugs for the kids. I will focus on the blessings in my life and the blessings the Army has brought to our life.
Pamela