Friday, October 22, 2010

A letter to daddy

This has to be one of the scariest things for me. To actually write on my blog has been a goal since I started. But I am not a writer. Oh sure I can write my husband an 8 page letter in a minute but then if I get into the there and theirs I am toast. And after being bashed on my blog for my grammar before it is scary but here goes.
My topic is: spending the afternoon talking to someone who is dead. This was a hard choice.
Today I would choose my dad. My dad will be dead 8 years next week and I miss him more than anyone will understand. You see my dad was not around when I was a child. I was in touch with his mom and sister but not him. When I was in high school we started talking again. By the time I had my first son we were best friends. We talked all the time and I loved him more than anything. He is the best man in the world.
If I had an afternoon to talk with him (which sadly my dad is hell and it will never happen, WOW, never let that enter my mind again). If he was alive and we had the time to talk I would surely try to change that.
If he was dead and we could talk: I would tell him about the baby girl who was born 36 hours after his death. I would beg his forgiveness for not being at his funeral. I would hug him. My dad was strong and made me feel safe. No one makes me feel the way my daddy does. I love my daddy. I would tell him how I felt when I sat next to his hospital bed and about the jokes that were made about his tattoos. I would tell him how special he made me feel when he visited me in his house. How proud I was to walk around the zoo with him. How amazing I felt every time we talked. I would also take a minute to SCREAM at my daddy for not telling anyone he had cancer and then how bad it was. I feel huge guilt about my father’s death because you see he my daddy did not tell me how bad his cancer was because I was pregnant and he did not want to stress me. I wonder if he could have gotten different treatment if he got more help. I would ask him a million medical questions about his life and his family’s life so I would know for my own records. I hate going to the DR and saying I do not know.
I would tell him that I am a strong woman, that I am happy. That I miss him, I would smack him for how he treated his body and making it leave before we got more time together.
So many things I would talk about in a afternoon. I would want him to know all about my kids and my husband. He would be so proud of my husband. He always liked my husband. I would tell my daddy thank you for being my daddy and for bringing me into this world. I would tell him that he was always the love of my mom’s life even though they were not together. Oh man, I would hug my dad the entire time, oh to be in his arms again.
If I had an afternoon talk with my dad I would take it slow and hug him (have I said that). I would tell him that I never had any ill feelings toward him. That I understand his life was what it was and I am glad that he allowed me in it. I would tell him thank you for allowing his family the chance to get to know me and be close to me. These are bonds I will always have. I would introduce him to Hope and Grace. Oh man to see my daddy hugging my kids would bring tears to my eyes. I remember my first born crawling for the first time to my daddy.
Dear Daddy,
I love you, I love you more than I ever expressed. I am so sorry that I did not share my love of Christ with you more than I did. I am so sorry that I did not tell you the joy of being safe in your Saviors’ arms. I loved you so much and was so scared of upsetting you (totally me and nothing to do with you) that I failed you in the most important way. Daddy, you were my big strong daddy and I looked forward to spending time with you and only wish we could have seen each other longer. You would love my children. You would love Hope who was born just hours after you passed. She loves to fish and get dirty, one time she used a skinned fish as a puppet. You would have loved it. You would love my Faith who loves to work on the car and build thing.
Oh daddy, how I wish you were here. You are the one person I feel like I can be honest with. I never feared you would stop loving me. I know that I could call you when I was scared my hubby would not make it home safely and you would listen to me cry and comfort me. I know I could explain to you who hurt me and you would make sure they were hurt. I never had a fear when you were in my life because I knew my daddy would take care of them. Our time was too short together and it is not okay. I love you daddy.


Mama2six said...

Thanks for sharing. I understand a lot of how you feel. I would like to say it gets better, but my daddy passed away almost 20 years ago. He never met any of my children and my oldest will graduate from highschool this year. I wish he could be there. He would have been so proud.
Praying for you today.

Mrs. S. said...

This is so touching and I could feel your emotions as I read. Thank you so much for sharing.

WifetotheRockstar said...

What a touching post.

Why would someone bash you? Blogs aren't about being perfect.... they are about being YOU. You should just write from your heart.... like you did here - so beautiful!

The Drama Mama said...

I'm glad you are exploring writing. I'm sorry you've been bashed. It's incredibly uncalled for. I can tell you wrote from your heart, and that's untouchable. It's beautiful, it's emotional, it's raw. I hope you keep writing.

Tawna said...

I am stopping by from the blog hop. Hope to see you by my blog too.
I have 4 blogs, you can follow all 4 or pick the one(s) that best suits you.
Twitter: tawna6988


Jessica Anne said...

What a sweet letter to your daddy. I loved all the things you would tell him if you had a chance. It seems they miss so much. It would be hard to cram it into one afternoon.

Cheryl said...

Dear Pam: I love your writing. I am usually a grammar Nazi and worry about the their and there and they're, but with your writing I hear the heart, and it makes me feel. Please keep writing. I miss my Daddy, too. He passed in July of this year. Far too soon. Thank you for this post. (Although I truly do believe that neither your daddy nor mine is in hell. Heavenly Rehab perhaps, but not eternal damnation.)

Mad Woman said...

Your love for him is quite evident. Such a sweet tribute to the man!

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