Saturday, November 5, 2011


When we lost our baby on November 5, 1998, a dear friend gave
me a card with this poem and it has meant more to me that anything. so i
thought I would share it. The scripture on the front is Job 1:21 and inside
it says:
“I was thinking about what's ahead for the baby. Can you imagine-it will be
taking its first steps on the streets of Heaven! Hannah was a mother who
certainly knows how special a little baby is. Perhaps she'll be the one who
will let it hold her finger as it takes those first staggering steps; and
maybe she will be the one to coax it into taking it first steps alone!
Perhaps Dorcas will see to it that its hems get let out, and that the
buttons are sewn on that growing child. And Joshua! Just think what it would
be like for a child to climb into his lap and hear-first hand- about the
battle of Jericho!..
Maybe Peter will take it fishing someday! It will never fall out of tree or
breaks it's leg, for there is no pain or tears there! It won’t be afraid of
the dark for there is no darkness there. The King of Kings, the Lord of
Lords, he is the very one who said, "let the little children come to me." I
expect there will be many a time when he himself will take that baby in his
lap and let it know a love that makes all other loves seem puny by contrast.
I wouldn't be surprised if the Heavenly Father keeps a few lollipops handy
For just such occasions....
And one day, you will be greeted with a “Hi Dad and Mom! I've got some of
the neatest things to show you; and some really fantastic people I can't
Wait for you to meet.

I will never forget the day we found out we lost our baby boy. We were walking into the hospital with hopes of finding out rather we were having a boy or a girl. Our friend was walking out of the hospital carrying her precious newborn. When we found out Jeremiah was gone I did not believe it. I immediately went running to my American doctor (we were stationed in Germany and chose to use a German hospital). He assured me that mistakes were made at 6 weeks but not made at 24 weeks. So I instantly went to my friend’s house that had just gotten home from having her baby and asked her to pick up Michael from daycare. What a wonderful friend to do that. Then we packed a bag and headed back to the hospital. Yes you are allowed to laugh at part of this story. We were checked into the mother baby unit and there was one other lady in my room. a older drunk lady. Who kept telling the nurses i was not eating the whole time. Did you know in German hospitals they have vending machines with beer just like they do with mountain dew? I could hear babies crying all night. The next morning they begun induction after assuring me that if I delivered naturally that I would not need a D &C. they also said if he looked okay I would be able to hold him. So I stayed in that room with the drunk and begun labor. Later that morning I told them it was time and they disagreed. I almost delivered in the hallway. I will never forget as I pushed him out there was a knock on the door and without thinking rob answered it. This is what we heard from the liaison from the American doctors. CONGRADULATIONS ON YOUR NEW BABY! And with that he was hear and they rushed me down to do a D&C. When i woke up I found out that our chaplain had came for a visit and that he and Rob were able to see and touch our baby. I was never allowed to see him or touch him. After another night in the room with the drunken lady listening to giggles and babies crying I checked myself out of the hospital against doctor’s orders. In Germany you can stay for several days. Had I not been put to sleep the day before I may have checked myself out earlier? We went to pick up Michael and went home. Two weeks later I was called by the same patient liaison to get my autopsy results. I had no idea they would do one, no idea that I could have buried my baby. So I went for the results and quickly realized they did not make sense. She was reading me someone else's results.
What we later found out was that the cells in my placenta died (which makes no sense to my American DR here) and that my water had broke probably 2 weeks before then. They said he had been dead for about 2 weeks. I normally do not feel my babies move until around 25 weeks. I also never notice anything to make me think my water was broke.
So today I look at my pictures in private because not everyone would enjoy them (remember he had been gone for 2 weeks). I see tiny fingers and toes and shoulders and knees. Please do me a favor when a friend looses a baby mark the date down, send her a card the next year, or even 11 years down the road so she knows that her baby was real and loved.
I am at peace with the loss of our son but it took many years to get that peace and understand it. That does not mean I am happy with not having him here but I understand better. And every year I watch my friends little girl grow up (by the way we named him Jeremiah after her husband and Jason after my brother).


RecceWife said...

what a beautiful story.  I am so sorry that you didn't get the chance to hold your little one.  This is a great reminder that the loss of a baby is tragic at ANY age or stage of their life. 

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