Saturday, February 13, 2010

Am I awake, is this thing on?

Am i really here, have i really moved hours away from my friends from Graces doctors from a home school group i love. am i really living in a hotel until we can move into our house. am i really moving into a neighborhood where i know no one and have to start all over. i just wonder if this is really my life. last night i dreamed that rob accidently hit someone and they died and he was put in jail for the rest of his life. it was such a real dream i had to tell his mom and decide how i was going to live. the dream felt so real. so much more real than how i feel right now as i set in a dark hotel room. everyone is in one room while Grace and i nap in the other room. it just does not feel weird. there were moments of the last couple of weeks that felt real like pulling out of Will's driveway and crying, like telling Michelle to keep praying openly. but even as they loaded my stuff into the semi i wondered is this really real. my couch was still there i was still watching the same TV yet all around me things were being removed from my home. as we drove around post and i saw motor pool after motor pool i thought WOW we are back in the real army. I did not really see motor pools on Redstone. It just seems like a fake world and i need to wake up and embrace it. I guess that starts tonight. I have a friend that i have been friends with since Germany. It is a neat story we both were living in temporary housing on the fourth floor and she knocked on my door and said hey I am going grocery shopping want to go. our car had not arrived and let me tell you walking to the store with a 8 week old was not fun. we have been friends since. she moved her after Germany (and then to Hawaii and then back here) and we moved to Campbell and then Redstone and now here. I saw her a couple of years ago. I was so nervous, I started walking 2 months before she got here and had lost 30 pounds. it is so funny what I worry about. we had a great visit. then I stopped walking and have gained probably another 50+pounds since then. Why does this worry me so much why have I avoided her. because I guess there are things that I can hide. my friends do not notice my weight because they have always seen me this way. but I guess seeing her tonight is like a wakeup call, she has not seen me this way. maybe this will be my wake up call. please know this is about me and not her. I do not know why I put this on myself. things just seem so weird right now. parts of it is nice. like my husband and i are together constantly in one big room with the kids which means lots of child training is going on. the kids are learning to be quieter, i am definitely learning to be quieter. I hope we keep this in the new house. i wonder when i will feel like i am back to my life. will it be when i have my own furniture, when I take grace to the doctor for the first time, when we go to a new church. who knows but for now nothing feels real. I think I am just nervous we have been told that by April 1 rob will be back in Iraq so i guess if it is not real he will not go away again. can i really do another deployment in another town alone. maybe when i get to see the real fort Bragg i will feel better because as much as we have driven around there has not been allot of a welcoming feeling. there is allot of small areas of housing, old buildings, old closed down stores but not allot of living that i see.
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