Not me Monday

Not me Monday was started by MckMama and I really enjoy it. I keep a running list in my phone or I promise I will forget it. But this week I am not going to say things like My daughter did not spit the potato salad back into the bowl that we were serving guest out of because well I am just too tired. I am going to pretend that we skipped a day last week and that day went something like this.
We did not have a emotional rollercoaster everyday thinking it was the day that my hero would deploy to the point of forgetting to tell the kids when we found out the last time.

I did not watch my husband pack all week and make sure everything was fixed around the house and make sure the power of attorney was up to date. My children did not wake up daily saying is dad at work for the day or is this the long time work. I did not invite friends over for the evening before he left because then it would not feel like he was leaving. I did not forget until the last minute to even ask what unit he was in. Come on he has been in 16 years I know how to do these things. I did not watch my husband empty his stuff out of the bathroom so it looks empty, I did not watch him put away his laundry and think maybe he should just leave it laying out.
The army did not make us arrive at 2:30AM to drop him off and then set for a hour and a half for his bus to get there. I did not take pictures of that bus that was taking away my husband. I did not feel my husband have that jittery sleep the night before he left. You know that I am having dreams jittery sleep and lay there and want to hug my hero tight and tell him he is safe in my arms and in his bed. My 4 year old did not say to us on the way to drop off my hero “mommy my life is tore up but do not worry I can get another one”. She also did not say, Daddy I saw all your army stuff in the back of the van and that is just cool. When we stopped at the store to use the ATM and when we went through the gate they did not say “have a wonderful day”. Could they not tell my hero was leaving and it could not be a good day. I was not tempted to do the whole fall on my knees and hold tight to my husbands legs and refuse to let him leave this time. Luckily my children was there to keep me acting right. I did not turn the music up in my van as loud as it would go on the way home so that my children would not hear me crying. I do not feel like I am keeping a secret because only 3 people at church know my husband is gone. My husband did not say it feels weird deploying without a gun. Why did he have to remind me he will be carrying a gun. I mean I know he carries a gun, probably more than one gun but I like to lie to myself, I like to make jokes and say he is playing in the sandbox, he is on vacation. Anything to hide what my real feelings are. I did not spend hours on this day reminding myself to breathe even when I could not swallow or think.
My daughter did not think that we live in Iraq and dad was going back to AL and could visit with the dog we left behind (well with someone not like left). My children always know where they are living and where there dad is going.
I am also not going to climb into the bed alone again tonight. I did not go to church this morning alone and set there like everything was completely normal. I will not wake up in the morning and go through all the normal part of the day like dishes and laundry and school and then put my children in bed as if something is normal.I do not hit the new normal faster and faster with each deployment.
This last picture is of this morning, at church like nothing has changed in our day.