Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Wives of Faith

Wives of Faith MilSpouses Rock

Dear rob,
Today I am doing a blog carnival where you write a letter to your soldier. So easy because I love writing to you. I cannot even start this without tears in my eyes. You mean so much to me. No one but you knows the real me. There is the blog Pam which is the same one everyone knows. Everyone but you. You know where I came from, you know my secrets, you know my scares and have tried your best to erase my scars. You came to me clean and pure and perfect. You came to me a man of integrity. I came to you dirty and soiled and you accepted that. You made me feel clean, you showed me Christ love, You showed me that my past is not my current. You have spent hours and days and weeks rubbing my physical and non visual scars and telling me how much you love me.
You have given me four amazing children who look just like you. Do you remember when Michael was born and your first words were “no denying it he is mine”. You held me when we lost our precious Jeremiah, You laughed with me when I was in labor with Jeremiah and that drunk women kept talking to us.
You are my rock, I do not know where you draw your strength but you just keep going, keep being strong.
I remember our first deployment, was it Bosnia or Kosovo. I remember thinking that would be the hardest thing ever. I remember how young and naive we were. How I kept busy pretending you were not there. I could do this because death did not seem like a option. I knew you would be home. I remember that second deployment and how much harder It was because I knew what it would be like when you were gone. I remember when we lost 2 soldiers during that deployment. Life and deployment would never be the same for me. It was real then. Oh wait deployments mean death and loss of husbands and daddies. I remember wanting you home more than anything then.
I remember our last deployment and how hard it was on both of us. I remember you coming home and feeling like all was well with the world. I hate to say it but I felt like we dodge a bullet. Oh how I was wrong. Our life will never go back to before that deployment. Because what most people do not know is that PTSD reared his ugly head. I remember the sleepless nights the look you get in your eyes and it kills me, it is worse than when my children are hurt. Because when the kids are hurt I can kiss a boo boo and make it go away, I can put a pretty band aid on it and send them off to play. That is not the case with PTSD, it takes over your life in a way no one will understand. But you stood up to it and told PTSD it would not consume your life it would not rule your life. Oh the hours I prayed for you and begged God to please bring your peace to let you sleep for just one night. To let me roll over and touch you without you being startled. I begged for you to be able to set in church beside me and your heart not raise. This was our secret for a long time. Few knew what was going on. Thank you, thank you for being that man of integrity and honor and being willing to stand up and take PTSD and tell it that it will not rule your life. Thank you for being honest with me about your feelings and hopes and fears. I have to be honest and say I still worry that things will never be back to normal for us.
Deployments are hard for everyone. I do not care if they are three months long or 15 months long. We are older now and wiser now and we know what the reality is of death. But I want you to know something we are here for you, we are praying for you, we are thinking of you. And we miss you, we talk about you and we stay strong for you.
Rob I look forward to growing old with you. I look forward to long quiet walks. Who knows maybe one day we will go back to the days of me riding my bike and you running while we sing cadence together. I love our children and I would love to have 10 more but I agree there is nothing better than when we are alone and enjoying it. Do you remember sword fighting in Holiday World. I remember feeling free. Please forgive me when I go months without making you feel like number one. Please forgive me pulling away from you when you are about to deploy.
I love you rob, I love to watch you hold our children. Ooh the picture of Grace when she weighed 2 pounds is one of my favorite pictures of all times. I love that you are able to read me like a book. I love you baby and cannot wait to have you back in my arms. And no not just because the bathroom door is broken or I wanted something to be painted.
I love you,
they changed what we were writting about today from Most Embarrasing moment so please scroll down and read about my son talking about who has a penis in the middle of a promotion ceremony

Please head back to Women of Faith to talk to other wives about there heros and how life is being a military wife.


jenn said...

what beautiful letter!!!

Pattie said...

This is a beautiful letter.

Becky said...

wow.....just wow. that is one of the most heartfelt things I have ever read.

CopMama said... So beautiful, so touching. Thank you for sharing this initimate piece of your life with us. Prayers for you, your family, and your soldier.

Jessica said...

wow...I am crying ....big tears
what a bueatiful letter...thank you so much for sharing

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